GAA Humour
Rules for a Typical GAA Supporter:
1. Always wave like your life depends on it if you get on telly.
2. You must have at least ten uses for a handkerchief.
3. Must know stuff about tractors (Dubs excempt).
4. A match weekend in Dublin requires no luggage.
5. Must read all sunday papers before game.
6. Hate all journos that tip the opposition.
7. Hate all journos that tip your county.
8. Must be able to participate in fastest toilet queue in world at half-time.
9. Don’t wash hands after above or lose all credibility.
10. Never ask anyone you haven’t seen since last summer anything not related to GAA.
11. Dont shave on match day.
12. Dont cut hair until team are out of championship.
13. Make sure arse visable above belt of trousers.
14. Pretend to know all words of National Anthem.
15. Ignore opposite sex during games.
16. Learn our players first names.
17. If playing well call our team by first names.
18. If playing crap call the hoors anything.
19. Always bring homemade ‘hang sangbos’ and a bottle of tae.
20. Must be able to quote Micheal O’Mhuirchearthaigh.
21. Only time its acceptable for men to go to toilet in groups.
22. If staying away from home never make the bed.
23. If staying away from home never lift the toilet seat when pissing.
24. After match acceptable conversation is limited to farming, DIY and killing for food.
25. Always repeat only claim to fame even if it was only in an U-10C match during WW2.
26. Always proclaim hatred of Meath.
27. Never use word ‘proclaim’ at a match.
28. Only eat ‘heart-attack on a plate’ breakfast on matchday.
29. Laugh at ridiculous gear on opposition supporters.
30. Make sure you have technicolour dreamcoat and sombrero ready for action.
31. Never get married during summer.
32. If a friend plans summer wedding, fall out with them pronto.
33. Have spiel about how you schemed brilliantly to get a ticket.
34. Remember to give ‘auld fella’ bottle of whiskey for ticket.
35. For only time in life, cry if county loses.
36. If you have much novelty bodyhair below neck make sure it’s visable.
37. If ridicluled for ‘manly’ odour normally, Gaa matches are the time to let it reek.
38. In pub make sure a pee lasts as long as is humanly possible.
39, If temp above -6C go topless for game.
40. Dont bring other half to game unless she knows the rules.
41. Learn at least 10 ways to open a beer bottle, you’ll need them.
42. If sitting, laugh as heartily as possible with knees as far apart as groin will allow.
43. Do not shower on matchday.
44. Pass disrespectful remarks about match dignitaries.
45. Dont share dessert with herself in front of the lads.
46. Do not be sensitive in front of the lads.
47. Have absolutley no plan for after the match, i.e. no way of getting home and no where to stay.
48. If questioned on above confidently point out that you’ll just have to score.
49. When you meet the players after another crap performance, chicken out and tell them you were proud of them.
50. Always blame the manager.
51. Always blame the county board if some else has already blamed the manager.
52. Always say ‘there is always next year’.
Some Useful Phrases to help you Understand the Game of Hurling:
- Báite – eg “I gave it báite” – I put a fair bit of effort into it
- Stomached – surprised eg. “Jays, when he came up behind me I was awful stomached”
- Mighty – very good
- Hames – a right mess – eg. “he made a hames of that clearance”
- Timber – intimidation of a hurling opponent
- Welt – swing at
- Lamp – a good thump
- A Crowd – e.g. “that crowd from Ardrahan are a right shower of shites”
- Schkelp – a good thump
- Bullin’ – angry. eg. “the centre half back was bullin’ after I lamped him”
- Bull thick – very angry
- Joult – a push
- Joshel – a shoulder push
- The Comm-it-eeee – Local GAA bullshitters in general
- Bushted – eg. “Jayz me arm is bushted”
- Bomber – a very popular nickname for a GAA player
- A hang sangwidge – consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles.
- Citeog – he hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed
- Warp – hit something hard as in “I’ll f**kin’ warp you”
- Blast – A great amount of anything.
- Rake – Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness
- A Shamozzle – a group of players shkelpin’ one another but not exactly hittin’ anyone at the same time!
- Flakin’ – usually goes on for a whole game….. eg. “Jayz Mike Murphy gave Tony Delaney an awful flakin’ below in training on Sunday”. To “flake” a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned “joshellin’” and “joultin’” and develops into a bit of “weltin’” and may even result in a good “lampin’” for the victim especially if he gets “bull thick”.
- Namajaysus – What was that for, referee?
- Ya-bollix-ya – Corner back’s formal recognition of a score by his opponent
- Leh-it-in-ta-f**k-would-ya – Full forward’s appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass
- Mullocker – untidy or awkward players
- Horsed – bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in “we horsed them out of it
- Horse – untidy or rough player. There’s one in every club ( The Legendary “Horse” Delaney)
- Row – Fight involving four or more players swinging hurleys like lunatics
- Massive Row – Row involving both team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences
- Running Row – A massive row that continues out in the parking area and/or dressing room areas
- “Come up ta F**k”- A corner back back trying to rise the ball .
- “Lord Lantern Jaysus..” – “The next time you do that I’ll f**kin kill ya”
- “a hape” – A big quantity (Heap)
- “in the paw” – To catch the ball.
- “a Brawl” – A collection of bodies in disagreement with each other.
- “a Dinger” – Usually a fast wing forward who can leave his opponent “for Dust”.
- “a right C**t” – The Ref was a bit biased towards the other team.
GAA Club Members Explained:
Just as footballers can be classified as either defenders, forwards or goalkeepers, so fans can be categorised into certain broad stereotypes. After years of painstaking research the results of a 20-year study are revealed today in a world exclusive. The study has shown that supporters can be categorised into one of six large groups:
The Cloth Cap Brigade:
These are a band of men who enjoyed their heyday at the turn of the century. They are avid supporters. The Cloth Cap Brigade are easily identified because they make a very distinctive call which sounds something like “giveherlang giveherlangferchrissakes”. This means kick the ball as hard and as far down the pitch as you can. The Cloth Caps have nothing against the O’Dwyer revolution and the modern game. They just don’t think it will work for their team. All Cloth Caps are waiting for their messiah. The ‘chosen one’ will be a seven foot tall full-forward with hands like shovels. Standing at the edge of the square the messiah will catch all those ‘lang’ balls and score enough goals and points to win that elusive county championship.
The Crazy Women:
The existence of the gangs of crazy women who attend Gaelic football matches has not been very well documented. Needless to say, they exist, and they are extremely dangerous. Decades ago, the crazy women armed themselves with umbrellas which they used as weapons to assault players. Now that most pitches have perimeter fencing, the crazies have decommissioned their brollies but they have become equally lethal with the tongue. Referees are the favourites targets. Some of these women suffer from DMS (Doting Mother Syndrome), which is a strain of DFS. Women with DMS will attack referees who give decisions against their sons. More frightening still, is the common occurrence when a gang of crazy women defend each other’s sons. The result: verbal carnage.
The Loyalists:
These men are the sixties generation, but you wouldn’t think it to look at them. When other nations were entering the age of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll this squad were running around dance halls in Carrickmore, Kilrea and Bellaghy. The loyalists form the backbone of the GAA. By and large they are peace-loving creatures, however they have been known to turn violent during the championship season. Loyalists come to all matches, rain, hail or snow. Some come to chat to friends, others to torture the opposition, while the majority have long since forgotten why they go to matches – it’s just something they do on a Sunday.
The Club Mascot:
For mascot read lunatic, and there is one in every club. Indeed their reputation often goes before them. The mascot is a loner, though not by choice. No one knows if mascots actually enjoy Gaelic football as they never applaud or praise their team. Rather for 60 minutes, the mascot, foaming and frothing at the mouth, curses the opposition, the referee, his own team etc. Most Mascots cannot drive, yet there is a goodly soul in every club who persists in bringing this person to away matches.
The Drinking Crew:
The drinking crew are sons of the Loyalists and some have grandfathers who are Cloth Caps. The drinking crew tend to be in their twenties or thirties and they are very single. Often they don’t turn up until half-time. Sunday is not a good day for the crew. Attendance at the match serves two vital functions. The first of these is to establish what happened on the previous night. The second is to watch the match. There is a further reason why the crew turn up late. Some of their comrades from the previous night (who also downed a copious number of pints) are out on the pitch, so the crew know well in advance that there is little chance of victory.
Teenage Posers (female):
This group only appear at championship matches with big crowds. Again they are easy to recognise. Posers can be seen walking around the pitch, on the loose gravel, in high heels, looking out at the crowd and largely ignoring the ongoing match. This practice is known within the sisterhood as ‘circuits’. Posers tend to drift away from Gaelic football, unless they hook up with a member of the Drinking Crew.
Micheal O’Murcheartaigh’s Finest Quotes:
“… and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I’ll tell ye a little story. I was in Times’ Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a newsstand and I said ‘I suppose ye wouldn’t have the Kerryman would ye?’ To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said ‘do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?’… he had both…so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet…”
“Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down – his people are undertakers”.
“I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner Street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion”.
“Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn’t be playing football. He’s made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn’t kick points like Colin Corkery”.
“1-5 to 0-8..well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that’s level scores in any man’s language”.
“Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now … but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail …… I’ve seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!”
“I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae”.
“Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy”.
“Danny “The Yank” Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn’t he done well”.
“He grabs the sliotar, he’s on the 50……he’s on the 40……he’s on the 30……. he’s on the ground”.
“In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball”.
“He kicks the ball lan san aer, could’ve been a goal, could’ve been a point………….it went wide”.
“Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly….Stephen, one of 12……all but one are here to-day, the one that’s missing is Mary, she’s at home minding the house…..and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce….”
“Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide….. and the dog lost as well”.
“Sean Og o Hailpin…. his father’s from Fermanagh, his mother’s from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold”.
“Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation”.
You Know you’re a GAA Poser when:
- You wear white boots
- You are the only guy with tanned legs on the team in April
- You put gel in your hair before the game
- You have bleached hair or a ponytail
- You have to get a hair cut before every match
- You wear your collar up to your ears
- You have at least one life threatening injury per game
- You hang around outside the dressing room after a match (still togged out) looking for people to – tell you how good you played
- You warm up looking into the crowd
- You wear the latest range in thigh supports, knee bandages, etc when in reality there’s shag all wrong with you.
- You sulk every time you lose, you blame the pitch, the wind, the sun, the ball etc if you miss a chance (above all it was not your fault), you complain that the backs never play good ball to you (you are always a forward becuase they score (backs get no glory), probably wing or corner (because you can pick up a handy score there and also wave to the crowd)) and if the selectors knew anything (which they don’t) they would make you captain.
- You insist on making yourself available for 2 championship matches on the same day
- You threaten to quit the team cause the manager won’t pick your brother
- You wear your jersey over your togs and spend ages neatly fixing your socks before the game
- You make your own speech in the dressing room after the captain and mentors have made their speeches
- You leave in two soft goals…one dropped out of your hand….and you complain of a shoulder injury when trying to puck out the next couple of balls.
- You wear white boots,white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey.
- You walk to the dressing room at half time,while everyone else ran,take off your helmet and start fixing up your hair before you reach the sideline.
- You have something written on the bos of your hurley and showing in the team photograph before the game.
- When once a game, you get shouldered straight in the face and are flattened, by a player who just ran forty yards to get ya
- You keep running for 20-30 yards after getting a score even though you are about 5 yards from your position.
- Stick out the chest while walking over to hit a sideline/take a free.
- Your wearing the most expensive boots on the market and your the sub goalie.
- When you are looking to take all the free’s back as far as your own halfback line
- When you wear shorts different from the rest of the team
- When you have to have the longest shorts on the field
- When you wear county togs instead of club togs (even if you just swopped for them or bought them)
- When your save your best for those long lunging stretches in front of the crowd
- When you have a different county or college match jersey every time you go training, with a number on the back.
- When you insist on wearing such jerseys over a long-sleeved top during the cold months.
You Know You’re a Junior Hurler when:
- You spend all winter on the beer speculating on who will be brought in to manage the junior hurling team next year
- The hardest tackle you will make all year is in an indoor soccer match in January
- When you break your brother-in-law’s leg
- There are 35 at training under lights on a bitter February night (unfit but enthusiastic) – the average for August is 7 (unfit, sick of training and making silage)
- The club treasurer spends some time at the AGM lamenting the yearly cost of running a club and especially the bill for hurleys; a month later, the team is being urged to “give ‘em timber lads – we have plenty of hurleys on the sideline…”
- When you go for a pick-up, you tap the ball at least twice on the hurley before you fumble it
- Ground hurling is for juveniles and camogie players
- The full forward has his son and grandnephew in the corners
- The grandnephew is two years older
- For a 2.30 throw-in, you start packing your gearbag at 2.40 and still manage to be on the field before the referee even arrives
- You can get a match called off because your star player is playing divisional under-16 the following week
- Your tight marking corner back never gives an inch – except of course, when the ball gets inside his own 50 and he charges out after it with all the other backs, forgetting that the other team are even on the field
- Your goalie lets in a sitter every second game – this usually happens after you have scored 5 points from play to reel in a difficult half-time deficit
- Or in the first minute if it is a final
- Your full-forward can’t score but “he’s a good man to bust up the play”
- Your centre forward can’t score either but “he’ll stop a good man from hurling”
- Your championship is either a round robin that requires you to play six league games to eliminate one team, or a knockout starting in October
- Any members of your panel that claim to have back injuries are either lazy or completely daft – unless you can see blood, bruises or bandages, they are making it up
- Before every match, the forwards are told to stay wide and not bunch – but this is not what happens.
- The only time any forward goes wide is to take a sideline cut or if they are looking for water
- Your backs play from behind waving a hurley with one hand whilst resting the other on the forward’s back – this is why all your scores and all their scores come from frees
- You can’t field a team during the fortnight of the GCSE’s
- Your star player always has one other brother “that was even better but he couldn’t stay off the drink”
- Your left-corner-back plays at No.4 because he can only strike off his left side Ditto No.7
- The more people instruct you to “let fly if you don’t get it up the first time”, the more you ignore them.
101 Reasons why GAA is Better than Soccer:
1. Paul Gascoigne.
2. Fitzgerald Stadium Killarney on a sunny day is one of the loveliest sights in sport.
3. Bribery scandals.
4. Because the championship has always been the Championship. The League of Ireland has had more new improved formulas than most washing powders. Indeed it’s not even the LOI anymore.
5. Because by and large GAA heroes don’t turn into villains overnight. One week this column would have happily borne Eric Cantona’s children. The next week Eric was playing with Manchester United and this column wouldn’t give him the time of day. Same old Eric both weeks though.
6. Most GAA players lead fuller lives than your average pro soccer player, thus they have more to talk about and fewer clichés to use.
7. The PA announcer at Landsdowne Road soccer internationals need to be shot. We hate the Mexican wave.
8. Bohs never in anything anymore.
9. The offside rule can be really tedious.
10. Andy Gray.
11. Jimmy Hill.
12. Micheal O’Murchearaigh.
13. No GAA team would ever wear a strip as vile as Chelsea’s away strip last season (1994 – 1995).
14. Nobody sings “you’ll never beat the Irish” at GAA games.
15. When Jurgen Klingsmann did his witty diving celebration at the start of the English season every lame brain in the game did the same thing for three months. Why?
16. Since Dalymount decayed, professional Irish soccer has no place to call home despite two World Cups and a Euro Championship.
17. RTE would never foist Brendan O’Carroll on the GAA viewership.
18. There is no piece of sporting equipment available anywhere that is as lovely as a well crafted hurley.
19. Vinnie Jones would bawl like a baby if he ever came up against Brian Mullens (Brian McGilligain, Brian Corcoran..) And that’s just three Brians that spring to mind.
20. If something goes wrong the GAA always comes up with some excuse. “The crowd arrived too early” “The cat was sick” In soccer nobody is ever to blame. Rioting in Landsdowne Road can be put down to what insurers call an act of God.
21. The GAA may not appreciate its women as much as it should but at least we all know who Angela Downey is. The most famous woman in English soccer is Dani Behr.
22. It’s hard to feel passionate about any sport that John Major feels passionate about. Plus David Mellor never made love to anyone while wearing a GAA jersey.
23. “Clash of the Ash” was a lovely film about hurling. “Escape to Victory” was a soccer film with Pele and Sly Stallone in it.
24. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
25. Spivs. Who asked DISC to ask Wimbledon to move to Dublin anyway.
26. People working for Irish soccer clubs who double as scouts for English clubs. Some mistake surely.
27. No soccer manager was ever as warm and as entertaining as Eamon Coleman.
28. No segregation at GAA matches.
29. No naff furry hats on men who should know better at soccer matches.
30. No naff jewellery on men who should know better at GAA matches.
31. There were 15,154 fans at Irelands last home World Cup game pre Jack Charlton. Now you couldn’t squeeze all the “real” fans into the Maracana with a shoehorn.
32. The GAA player who performs in front of 70,000 at the weekend will be teaching your kids on Monday or he’ll be selling you meat or fixing your drains or representing you in court. The soccer player who performs in front of 70,000 fans at the weekend will be moaning about too many games and trying to sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear.
33. GAA players don’t sell stories to the Sun.
34. GAA players don’t have stories that the Sun would like to buy.
35. Bungs.
36. Backpasses.
37. Barry Venison’s dress sense.
38. Jack Walker can buy a league title. You can’t buy an All-Ireland.
39. Penalty shootouts. What was wrong with the old interminable FA cup replay sagas eg Leeds and Ipswitch 1975. Heartbreaking but memorable.
40. Jack Boothman doesn’t care if America doesn’t like GAA. Joao Havelange loses sleep over it.
41. Nobody ever proposed making GAA goals bigger. Not even Charlie Redmond.
42. GAA nicknames are better: Sambo Hunter, Fat Larry, Babs, Bingo and so on. Soccer players just add a Y to each others surnames.
43. The Munster Hurling Final.
44. The Munster Football Final.
45. Dublin vs Meath is a real local derby. What does Liverpool vs Everton mean to Jan Molby or Daniel Amokachi.
46. You always remember what county your Irish teacher came from.
47. We care so much about the weaker GAA counties that we sensitively refer to them as the “so called weaker counties”. English soccer just makes the premier league smaller.
48. How many soccer players does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to stick it in. ten to hug and kiss him afterwards.
49. Why can nobody agree on the size of the crowd at domestic soccer games.
50. Under age players get to be part of the biggest days in hurling and football. The Irish U21 team are sadly neglected. The “real’ fan seldom turn up to see them.
51. Soccer players go to Rumours. GAA players go to the pub.
52. If a GAA player ever jumped at a spectator like Eric Cantona did the rest of his team would join in. So would the rest of the crowd.
53. You can’t play a defensive game of football or hurling.
54. Razzmatazz. OK the Artane Boys band may be boring but why does it take Sky 3 hours to show a 90 minute soccer game.
55. Soccer players always describe the game they have just played in the same guarded way. There is nothing like a GAA player cutting loose “He ate the shite out of us” said an Offaly player of Eamon Cregans half time speech in last years All Ireland.
56. The championship means summer. The FA (or FAI) Cup means winter.
57. DJ Carey in full flight.
58. Barry Fry, Ken Bates, Ron Noades, Robert Chase. Take your pick.
59. Television runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA.
60. Vinnie Jones grabbed Gascoignes testicles. Paudie O’Se decked Joe McNally during the National Anthem. McNally learnt his lesson. Gascoigne just got worse.
61. Joe Brolly in full flight, on the field or off it.
62. Jimmy Barry Murphy was the coolest skinhead ever to grace a playing field.
63. There’s nothing like seeing the bonfires blazing when a winning team reaches it’s home borders.
64. The GAA season always leaves you wanting more. The soccer season leaves soccer people demanding less. Fewer games please.
65. Three points for a win is a distortion of the games natural balance.
66. “Soccer isn’t a matter of life and death, it’s much more important than that” isn’t such a witty thing to have said.
67. The GAA is just a part of life and death.
68. Gaelic Games is harder to play. Niall Quinn and Kevin Moran got out and went to soccer. You never see anyone coming the other direction.
69. GAA players run faster, hit harder and last longer. Nobody acts like a grenade just went off if they get tripped.
70. Soccer is so subtle that Wimbledon can win the FA cup.
71. There’s no one quite so bitter as a soccer bigot.
72. They think Ryan Giggs is the new George Best. Sure sign of decline.
73. GAA teams are numbered one to fifteen, soccer teams read like the national lottery results.
74. All soccer players wear shinguards. Some hurling players even wear helmets.
75. Ever penny we put into soccer stays at the top. Most of what we spend on GAA trickles down.
76. The GAA is about where you’re from. Soccer is mainly about who you like.
77. A scoreless draw in GAA would be quite a novelty.
78. The GAA offer a journalist the chance to travel to Kerry regularly.
79. The GAA won’t sell us all out by starting a European SuperLeague.
80. Under 13,000 fans attended the FAI Cup final. “Real” fans would rather watch Wimbledon play AN other at a new characterless stadium built by suits for suits.
81. Old soccer players get testimonials, Old GAA players just slip down to junior. Dog rough it is too.
82. Bubble perms never made it to Croke Park.
83. Throw ins set the adrenalin pumping faster than tip offs.
84. GAA fans never have time for the Mexican wave.
85. Rupert Murdoch doesn’t own the GAA.
86. Ghosted soccer biographies.
87. All of soccer works to filter the best players to the top teams. GAA sides always get to keep their heroes.
88. Dual players still carry a certain romantic cachet.
89. The Dergvate, Gay Priors pub, Tommy Tubridy’s, The Bradog, The Drovers, MacGleogans, The Pound Bar, Mc Sweeney’s.
90. No soccer team has a name quite as lovely as that belonging to Fighting Cocks of Carlow.
91. Danny Lynch. The thinking person’s PR man.
92. The InterToto Cup. The ZDS Date Cup, The Simod Trophy.
93. Guinness ISN’T inscribed in large letters on the Liam McCarthy Cup. Carling IS inscribed in large letters on the Premier league trophy.
94. Doubling on an overhead sliotar is a more beautiful thing than volleying a soccer ball.
95. Roy of the Rovers was a prat.
96. GAA goalposts cast nicer shadows on summer evenings.
97. There are always two men in white coats behind each goal at GAA games. Very wise.
98. The new Cusack stand. We call it space age.
99. Sideline cuts, high catches, summer schools to define the tackle.
100. The Dubs.
101. The Championship is here again.
